Just a Thought: III

(These are random writings that I compose when it is slow at work.  They are never finished.)

Slow nights like tonight put me in a contemplative state of mind.  The current decade is coming to an end and one of the first thoughts always is, “Where did all that time go?” or “Goodness, time just flew right on by!”  And after that, you decide to go crusin’ down memory lane, and for some people, “try” to go crusin’.

What songs were the big hits?  What movies were we all dying to see?  What clothing did we wear that when we look back in another ten years we’ll be like, “What on earth we we thinking?”

I thought about where I was physically and mentally ten years ago and it’s crazy to see the evolution of human nature and interaction in a simple decade.  I thought about what I did during the holiday seasons. I thought about what people gave me for gifts and what I gave people.  I don’t think it’s possible to not feel nostalgic and desire to experience the past just one more time.

And even though I’m sitting here with my elbows on the table and my chin in the palm of my hand while I look off into oblivion, if you could see what I was “seeing”, you would be overwhelmed by a scene filled with multiple me’s ranging from a young teenager to a young adult with many snow fights and downhill sled bombings, hot chocolate filled mugs, warm sweaters, piles and piles of crumpled-up gift wrap, boot hockey games, snot dripping noses, cozy cuddle sessions under a ton of blankets, colorful flashing lights, and an overflow of eggnog with smooth jazz renditions of classical Holiday tunes… of course…

Finally nearing that age where having a family Christmas doesn’t necessarily mean returning back to your parent’s house is a strange feeling.  I can still expect to receive a Christmas card from my grandmother with a ten dollar bill attached to it, but other than that it’s really up to me to carry on those traditions away from home or start the new rituals.  It’s a odd thing to feel as if you don’t need that half a month for a break anymore, but I suppose that’s just what happens when you get older.  The world changes and you have to change along with it.

But I don’t feel as if it’s a terrible thing, I’m actually looking forward to the change.  Those previous chapters in my life felt as if I had to pack tons and tons of excitement and resolution in a short amount of time because we’re not going to be able to have the opportunity to do “it” again.  And then I remembered that I still have an estimated average of sixty-some years to live.  I’m not going to get lazy and let the time just pass me, but I am going to chill out and learn to appreciatethe moment I have right now so I don’t have to feel stressed or regret.

[...]

-MoC

Just a Thought: II

(These are random writings that I compose when it is slow at work.  They are never finished.)

Being a straight male figure in American society, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that the majority of women that cross paths with me are mentally scrutinized in relation to their physical appearance.  Now some people may see that is shallow, but when you live in a fast paced life, you don’t have the time to have a three-hour coffee shop date with that random person that takes the elevator with you.  So all you really can do is judge a book by its cover and it’s only reasonable for them to do the same to you.  So tell me why I would want to spend any effort on some woman who has knots in her hair and is wearing sweatpants to a highly public place other than the grocery store?  And would you even give me a chance if I still have motor oil under my fingernails and a mustard stain on my white t-shirt from the hot dog I ate the night before?

It’s not really being shallow, it’s making a safe time investment which is especially important when your time in money.

But for the most part, from where I’m from, people like to take care of themselves and because of that, my mental criticism is typically positive.  Now there are a few levels of attractiveness, there’s sexy, elegant, cute, gorgeous…  and I’m sure there are many more.  Unfortunately for me, I’m in a profession that forces me to be surrounded by people that society deems beautiful.

[...]

-MoC

Just a Thought: I

(These are random writings that I compose when it is slow at work.  They are never finished.)

All I can really say is, “I’m an idiot.”  I don’t really understand how it worked, but I seemed to follow the typical path of all those blind love-drunk individuals that can’t admit what they’re doing is incredibly risky.  You know…  putting all your eggs in one basket and all other similar analogies and metaphors.

If you lose this game, it’s a swift kick to the butt all the way back to the beginning.  But I think we all can understand why some people are willing to risk it all in order to obtain that incredible, wonderful, delicious, ambrosial, and beautiful prize.  And if you can think of any other word that relates to completely satisfying a main sense, feel free to add that to the description…

…  Sorry, I’m kind of running on here…

But yeah, I’m pretty stupid.  It’s unfortunate how you never really see how bad an idea is until everything is done and over and you look at the whole thing.  I feel defeated, pathetic, and useless.  I’d rather crawl into some dark abyss filled with sharp objects than go face-to-face with the consequences of my actions or the people that I know I’ve disappointed.  If I could, I’d somehow fake my own death and start a brand new life with an alias in some cabin in the middle of the woods, miles away from contemporary society so that my chances of meeting someone that knows this horribly embarrassing moment of my life is slim to none…

…  Ha, yeah…  If only life was that easy.

All I really can do is fall asleep and hope that someone breaks into my house and smashes my skull in.  I’ll even leave the doors unlocked to make their job easier.  Well, while I wait for that conveniently time burglary and murder, all the thoughts are lingering heavily in my mind and I know those thoughts will invade my dreams.  and when my alarm unfortunately makes me regain consciousness, I know that the horrible dream and all those horrible thoughts will manifest into a physical being filled with a burning passion of rage

[...]

-MoC

Clear Memories: I – A Heart’s A Heavy Burden

I told her to close her eyes.

“After this is done, think nothing of it.  But feel free to enjoy it as much as possible.”

And that’s when we kissed.  It was kind of strange and all since she was a good friend of mine and there will definitely be some sort of awkwardness for a little while, but I knew that she understood everyone needs their “fix” every now and then and that this was nothing more than that.  And goodness, I couldn’t handle anything more right now in my life.

She was caught off guard for a bit, but then I sensed that metaphorical shrug-of-the-shoulders that meant, “Oh, what the hell…”

I seem to make awkwardly close non-consensual relationships that either confuse people or creates gossip.  I guess kissing your Tuesday morning tennis partner and random coffee shop buddy doesn’t help me get away from that stigma.  But come on, it’s just a kiss, it’s not like we’re having sex.  And if even if we were, at least we wouldn’t be screwing anyone over since we’re both single.  But all of this doesn’t even matter…

Oh, by the way, my name is “Frank.”  However, that’s not my real name since what is going to happen with this life story is you’re going to put yourself in my position eventually.  My past for some reason is your past.  And my current state is going to be the hopeful future you wish to obtain.

But anyway, back to this specific story…

This lady friend and I just got out of a movie.  This was one of those movies that for some reason, your friend has hyped it up so much that they believe it’s going to be a classic, a cult-classic at the very least.  But the real reason why they’re so excited about it is because they have some third grade crush on one of the main actors but they won’t admit it.  So the weekend the movie comes out, she calls me up knowing that I do not have a good enough excuse to decline her invitation since all I do on the weekends is read books, try to improve my cooking skills, exercise and clean my apartment.  Instead of making excuses and getting all bitter about not being able to wear my pajamas for the rest of the night, I simply tell her that my Parmesan Crusted Chicken on top of Penne Rosa will be held off for the night and I’ll meet her there in a half hour.

Now a little bit more about my friend, she has horrible taste in everything.  I’m always slightly embarrassed to be seen around her in public because everyone thinks she killed three animals to wear her outfit.  Zebra print, leopard print, and leather pants seem to fill her closet, obviously all fake but she claims the tackiness adds more character.  Not only is her appearance slightly reminiscent of a prostitute from the 70’s, but when you believe that the decade of the 90’s holds the pinnacle of what music is, I simply make the conscious decision that the deepest conversation I will have with you is about what happened in the latest dating reality show.  So when I was getting ready for this movie, I was seriously considering being extremely inebriated for it, but I realized that it would be fairly rude to show up in that state of mind and plus I didn’t want to end up in jail that night.  So I put some pants on and ventured to the local movie theater.

It wasn’t surprising that the movie was a sappy love story, but it was surprising that through all the cliches and the forced drama, a string that was attached to my heart was tugged.  I wouldn’t shout this on top of a building, but I felt a familiar but distance feeling.  My gut was turning, there was a strange fluttering sensation in my belly, my throat started to swell up, and my cheeks started to feel a little heavy thus giving me a slight frown.  Hollywood once again did its magic and made me remember after all of these long years, what it felt like to care about something.  That unexplainable feeling of attachment, that stage of my life where I was what you could call a “Hopeless Romantic.”

So after the movie was done and we were walking back to our homes, I knew that because of all the efforts of keeping this stupid feeling suppressed, the moment I opened my eyes after my slumber I would forget all about it.  So I needed to take advantage of the moment of me feeling young and carefree since it hasn’t happened since…  well…  the days where I was young and carefree.  So I shared an affectionate gesture towards the closest person that I cared about.

And just like what I remembered, when you’re passionately in the heat of the moment, it seems to last a lot longer than the time that it actually takes.  But when it’s over, you’re never completely satisfied because you wish it would have just lasted one second longer.

So when our lips finally separated and we opened our eyes, I could see that look she was giving me could only be explained by an infinite run on sentence.  For example…

“Wow, I can’t believe that actually happened but it was really nice, but I mean now it’s going to be weird for a little bit because I don’t really know what’s going on in your head and how you’re going to take this situation, but don’t get me wrong because I really did enjoy what just happened, but blah blah blah blah…”

Yeah, that kind of thought that never really ends because you don’t really know how to feel.

So I just gave her a slight smirk and said, “Cool…  Anyway, let’s keep walking.”

We continued our walked until we got to the front of my apartment complex.  We wrapped up our conversation and she was the one who brought up the question, “So what are you doing tomorrow night?”

And I told her, “I got some Parmesan Crusted Chicken and Penne Rosa with my name on it.”  I gave her that sighing warm laugh with a small clever smile and finalized my goodbyes to her.

—  MoC